#770 Relating to Pain Wisely

     Most of the time now, when I'm awake & lying on my back, there's an electric-current-like pulsating sharp pain in some part of my left leg, either locally eg in my upper thigh, or less often, radiating down along most of the leg as if into the bones of my feet. This is known as 'sciatica.' It's sharp, jabbing, varying in intensity, really 'grabs my attention.' While sciatica is dependent on the position of my lower back (vertebrae compressing the sensory nerve to my leg), adjusting my back's position itself causes pain in the lower back, & triggers sciatica as well. Sitting involves much less sciatic pain, and standing or walking are best, though hampered by a leg brace that's fixed straight & crutches.

     So what is my best option? How can I relate to pain wisely? First of all, after repeatedly changing the position of my lower back doesn't help or worsens the pain, at night I can simply be still, accept whatever pain there is, and after a while, I do fall asleep for a couple of hours. Then repeat until it's time to get up for the day. In the morning, I sit up and periodically stand up & walk about for a few minutes. Clearly, I do what is practical to directly eliminate or minimize the pain. This is simple self-care & self-compassion. After the 'doing' of simple practicalities, it's all about 'being' - authentically expressing who I am.

     This is where one's worldview & self-concept (often unexamined), play a powerful role. The subconscious has a powerful (mostly hidden) influence on one's life.
     If deep down, one believes that the universe is a meaningless machine, and we're but random slabs of meat, then it's natural to feel like a wounded animal, suffering alone for nothing.
     On the other hand, when we sense / remember that we're profoundly at home, unconditionally loved & intimately interconnected with everyone & everything, then adversities such as pain are small, temporary lessons helping us grow stronger & wiser.
     Mystics and others who've had profound direct experiences beyond this physical realm, suggest that the hardships we experience in this realm, are for the sole purpose of helping us evolve to higher levels of consciousness - ie are specifically tailored for our benefit. People who've had near death experiences (NDEs) repeatedly report that what might at the time feel like horrible events, are remembered as minor inconveniences compared to how much was learned & the ineffable benefits for ALL those involved. Three reports:
     “I’ve become more relaxed, there is very rarely anything that really makes me upset.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3Ow4sEW8D0
     “There’s just a sense that everyone’s going to be OK. Everything’s happening the way everything’s supposed to be happening. And we’re all taken care of, and that it’s all perfect the way that it’s happening.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTESmsletG4
      The purpose of life is to become a 'bigger container' so we're able to get closer & closer to the Light. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iNucPVPGw4

     Wisdom tells us that after doing everything that's reasonable to directly manage the pain, continuing to focus narrowly on the pain becomes the main cause of suffering. So instead, the wisest approach now is to whole-heartedly say 'yes,' accepting (rather than arguing with) present reality, and to welcome pain with genuine curiosity. Now we can hold the pain in 'spacious awareness.' This is like the sky fully accepting rain clouds, knowing that the sky is huge & timeless, and that rain clouds are small & transient.
     EVERYTHING CHANGES when we can clearly experience challenges NOT as deadly attacks, BUT as loving lessons to help us grow & evolve.
     This is also the secret to true happiness as we age, as we learn an impressive number & variety of challenging life lessons.

      “The easy path of aging is to become a thick-skinned, unbudging curmudgeon, a battle-axe. To grow soft and sweet is the harder way.” James Hillman

 

It’s better to feel pain,
than never feel at all.
The opposite of love’s
indifference.

So keep your head up

and love.

 
Lumineers

 

#702 The Best Defense is ... What?

     The idea that the best defense is a strong offense might explain some peoples' apparent unprovoked aggressiveness. They seem to be yelling: "Don't mess with me, I'm bad!" Maybe fear cowers behind facades of aggressive posturing. And don't we all, to a lesser degree, at least think, and perhaps speak with some hostility?
     So why is there so much defensiveness? Would there be any if we had all received perfect unconditional love from day one? Perhaps behavior is conditioned by all - remembered & forgotten - past experiences. So maybe nothing is completely unprovoked - the present situation may just be stirring up an old wound.
     For me, the most impressive individual is authentic, open and decent. Such (rare) people have dropped their offensive-defensiveness ball & chain. They're able to simply connect directly - one human being to another. I suspect they began with self-observation & self-acceptance, which then spread to acceptance of others. Awareness & acceptance nurtures unconditional love, authenticity & peace.

#695 Accepting Ourselves, Accepting Others, and Then ...

     We keep trying so desperately to be accepted, valued and loved. We're acutely aware, at some level, of our many imperfections. And we fear our very survival hinges on eliminating, hiding, or overcompensating for our "defectiveness".
     After a while, we start realizing that nobody is perfect; and that unconditional love is painfully rare. Imperfection is tolerable, but life without unconditional love is brutal. What can we do about it? We know that we can't make others do anything. 
     But we can learn to accept ourselves as we are, then it's relatively easy to accept others as they are, and then, perhaps, we ourselves can become the source of unconditional love - the absolutely most precious, nurturing aspect of life. Perfection within imperfection?

     “When you came into this world, you cried and everyone else smiled. You should so live your life that when you leave, everyone else will cry, but you will be smiling.”                         Paramahansa Yogananda
        Dana Sawyer “Huston Smith: Wisdomkeeper. Living the World’s Religions. The Authorized Biography of a 21st Century Spiritual Giant.” Fons Vitae, Louisville, KY, 2014.

Public Gardens, Halifax, NS

#688 Loosening the Grip

     I suspect a lot of us are burdened by an impossible-to-achieve, idealized image of how we'd dearly love to be perceived. 
     It's very instructive & humbling becoming aware of the number & variety of maneuvers we execute to avoid consciously experiencing the painful gap between this ideal & reality. We pour so much of our energy into guarding & mending the hurt part of ourselves that never could, nor ever will be able to live up to others' expectations. No amount of work, dieting, fancy clothes, fancy trips, booze, drugs, plastic surgery, or any other compulsive activity or avoidance helps.

     Could it be that life is not, after all, about perfecting our appearance, possessions, intelligence, wealth, or fame? One of Adyashanti's guiding principles: "to progressively realize what is not absolutely True is of infinitely more value than speculating about what is."

     What if letting go of terrified, obsessive self-concern, is not only feasible, but in fact transforms each of us small, starving-for-love particles, into so much more than we can currently imagine?

Monet's Bedroom

#676 Brokenness & Unconditional Love

     People seek help from psychotherapists when they feel broken and want to feel whole. 
     Ideally, psychotherapists themselves first undergo psychotherapy. Doing so, psychotherapists are better able to hold both their own brokenness and their own wholeness. Before we can accept others, we must learn self-acceptance.
     Psychotherapists ideally hold clients in "unconditional positive regard" and "meditative equipoise." These terms suggest great spaciousness, porousness, awareness, acceptance, unshakable love, understanding, peace, stillness, silence, wisdom. These therapists' qualities ideally remain stable, despite the variability & severity of problems and personalities of their clients.
     Obsessing about our needs, our brokenness, how we didn't receive unconditional love as children, is an endless wallowing in misery. It's also backwards. To heal, an inversion must occur.
     Unconditional love does appear to be the very core of human life. But our wholeness, authenticity, true happiness - all appear to be proportional to the degree to which we embody, we are the source of, unconditional love. Indeed, when a person feels utterly miserable, the best thing she can do for herself, is to help others in similar or worse situations.
     Traumas do hurt, traumas do crack our armor, and mercifully, the cracks do light our darkness. But our authenticity is in shining - being unconditional love.

Springtime at Luxembourg Gardens, Paris

#669 Who's Responsible If Not Me?

     It's fascinating to observe our fellow human beings. Even in situations where one would imagine that anyone would be completely happy and grateful, one sees a surprising proportion of people showing obvious signs of sadness, disappointment, and downright misery. Life just does not measure up to their hopes and expectations, no matter how fine it is. A sadly large proportion of us assume that there's a mechanical connection between our happiness and our idea of what a perfect world is. Of course this is completely off base.
     One's happiness is entirely dependent on one's ability to hold all of life in a loving embrace, regardless of what's going on. This is precisely the opposite of what most of us think. We are entirely responsible for our attitude, which has nothing whatsoever to do with what's happening on the outside or even inside of us. It's all about us not just having, but being unconditional love. And, "whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right."

#539 What Things Arise during Sitting Meditation?

     Here's another question (koan) to ponder: "What sort of things keep coming up while we sit in meditation?"

     If we think about it, do these not ultimately boil down to "our reasons" why we're not worthy to receive AND not capable of providing unconditional love?

     And how do we handle these things?

Ken Dyball, National Geographic   http://photography.nationalgeographic.com

#538 Centrality of Love

     Here's a question (koan) to ponder: 
          "No matter what problem confronts me, what role does love play?" More specifically, UNCONDITIONAL love? Love:
          • without limitations
          • without conditions
          • without bounds
          • unchanging
          • completely committed

     Isn't unconditional love something we all seek to receive AND provide?
     What happens when we pretend that it's irrelevant?

     See: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2012/12/everyones-doing-their-best-under.html
     and: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/search?q=unconditional

     

#519 The Feeling of "I'm No Good at Meditating!"

     Are you with a group that's sitting in meditation for 30-40 minutes, but you don't actually feel like you belong because you're just looking around feeling frustrated? Is self-talk flooding the circuits?: "I'm just no good at this"; "Get me out of here"; "When is this going to be over"; "I've got a million things to do"?
     That too is OK! The facilitator(s) can "hold" that too. Unconditional love & acceptance is hopefully being modeled by both the facilitator(s) and your fellow participants. This holding, this space of acceptance is key to nurturing transformation from suffering to wholeness and beyond. 
     Their example helps you yourself to accept & hold the part of you that feels frustrated plus a mixed bag of other challenging emotions. Your inner wisdom is capable of unconditional love for your own fearful inner child (& everyone else's). A part of you resides in peace, stillness, silence, wisdom, timelessness. Practice lowering your center of gravity from the self-talk jungle of the head, down past the jangled turmoil of the chest, down to the belt level (2 inches below the navel) - the hara or dan tien. See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/05/326-classical-japanese-centeredness.html
     How can you modify mindfulness practice to suit your current situation? It's possible that, at this point in time, you most benefit sitting in meditation for a much shorter time period - maybe 5 minutes. 
     You are your own trainer, therapist, sports psychologist - guide your practice wisely, for best long-term results. Never, ever, ever give up on your #1 client! You can & will do infinitely better than you can currently possibly imagine - just keep practicing wisely, ideally with some guidance from those who've been practicing for a long time.

Cary Maures   www.dpreview.com

#149 Guardedness, Approriateness, Compassion

Though this is a blog, readers' comments have been rare, likely due in part to the fact that the Comment section is NOT easy to see / access. So, I'd like to share a recent comment re post #143 "Wound of the heart - part 1":

Comment:

"I can relate to this guardedness particularly when under stress and it is related to my experiences in my family of origin. I would like to know how to transform that guardedness to openness?"

My Response:

"As you imply, this guardedness is entirely healthy & appropriate, based on all your previous experiences. As an adult, you start to see that responding to life with an open heart is a more appropriate, healthier way to live. Nevertheless, the guardedness comes up automatically. Awareness of how you respond, of how you & others feel as a result, and compassionate understanding for yourself & others, very gradually but surely diminishes your reactivity / guardedness. In the process, you develop deep insight into others' behavior - since they too all had imperfect parents / childhoods and so are also guarded & reactive. "Awareness itself heals" is a potent motto to remember, realizing that awareness involves the mind-heart ie includes compassion for self & others."

#143 Wound of the Heart - Part 1

         "If we take an honest look within, we may notice a certain guardedness around our heart. For some people, this is a thick, impenetrable barricade. For others, it is a thinner, subtler protective shield or contraction that only emerges under threatening conditions. And nothing triggers this sense of threat so strongly as the suspicion … that we are not truly loved or accepted as we are. Numbing or shutting down the heart is an attempt to deflect pain of that.

         Not knowing that we can be loved for who we are prevents us from trusting in love itself, and this in turn causes us to turn away from life and doubt its benevolence. We may tell ourselves that love is not really available. But the deeper truth is that we don’t entirely trust it, and therefore have a hard time fully opening to it or letting it all the way into us. This disconnection from love most often grows out of not feeling fully embraced or accepted in our family or origin – whether through neglect, lack of attunement, or outright abuse. Not feeling securely held in the arms of love, we fall into the grip of fear. Inadequate love and nurturance directly impact the child’s sensitive nervous system, resulting in a certain degree of shock or trauma that will affect us for the rest of our life."

     John Welwood. "Perfect love, imperfect relationships. Healing the wound of the heart." Trumpeter, 2006.

Photo: Nitin Gera   http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/your-shot/weekly-wrapper