#597 Flow with - OR - Rigidly Oppose Life ?

     Mindfulness practice gradually leads us to experience life as a constant flow of energy. With psychological flexibility, whatever comes up becomes "workable". We learn to live in a peaceful, synergistic, collaborative relationship with people & nature.

     This comes about naturally as we learn to let go of psychological rigidity: black-or-white thinking, judgmentalism, dogmatism - fear-based reactions of a reified ego against a presumed hostile universe - see: http://www.johnlovas.com/2014/11/painful-mistaken-identity.html At some point, most people come to realize that the old caveman stance simply doesn't work.

Fiona Wiseman   https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.706893482727591.1073741831.100002208364263&type=1&l=3362c32dc6

#520 Imperfections - Others' & Ours

     It's so easy to see how others fall short of our standards of perfection. It's impossible for anyone, including for us, to live up to these standards. Our deluded judgments that arise from this cause a lot of problems - see: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2014/04/517-first-self-acceptance-then-self.html
      An ancient wise advice is to not judge others for messing up, but to see how we can learn from their mistakes to help make our own behavior more skillful. This is infinitely wiser than labeling them as "bad guys", while fooling ourselves that we're "the good guys". We're all perfectly human, doing our imperfect best.

#349 Equanimity in our Relationships is More Real

     Our relationships, with others, and even with ourselves, can be real roller coasters. I think it's simply accurate to say that, like most people, we are imperfect "works in progress," slowly becoming less foolish, and a bit wiser as the years roll on, and as we all accumulate impressive collections of errors.
     So when someone screws up badly, if we're really honest with ourselves, we can admit that either we've been there, or at the very least, could easily have done the same thing. Yet, out of fear, we tend to publicly denounce "bad guys," trying to convince ourselves "well I could never have done that!" Instantly we transform into "the church lady" & do our little "superior dance." Meanwhile the poor sucker who did just "do that" is wondering "What the hell happened? How could I possibly have gotten into this mess?"
     The more we realize the possibility of ourselves erring, the more skillfully we'll avoid doing so - and - the less harshly we'll judge those who do mess up. Most of us are neither demons nor fully enlightened beings, most of us are just getting by, carrying a heavy load. Let's give each other a break - we all need it.

     "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."           Pema Chodron

Murat Tosun   http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/

#329 Judgmental : Grateful Ratio - Impacts your Quality of Life

     It's good to learn to be aware of when we're being judgmental - harshly critical of ourselves, first & foremost. Why? Because when we're hard on ourselves, we're almost certainly hard on others as well. And we may not be aware at all of our self-criticism, and it may be "business as usual" when it comes to criticizing others. How often are YOU harshly judgmental of others?
     It's also a good idea to become aware of when our hearts are open, and aware of the fact that we owe a massive debt of gratitude to so many people for being alive, for all that we have, etc. None of us can cause ourselves to be born, to grow up, to survive. This is a thoroughly interconnected incredibly complex web of life - we depend on each other far more than we can possibly realize. Gratitude should be common, normal, dominant emotion for all of us. How often are YOU overwhelmed by loving gratitude?
     What's the ratio of times when you're judgmental vs when you're grateful? Which is more realistic ie more appropriate to or in tune with reality? Which of the two is going to make you deeply satisfied, filled with joy? Think deeply about this. You have far more control over your quality of life than you realize!

Fredrik Lonnkvist   http://travel.nationalgeographic.com

#320 Self-centered Judgments breed Fear, Guilt & Shame

     “Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way that did not require me to reveal what was going on inside of myself. When I encountered people or behaviors I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were ‘mean’ or ‘unreasonable.’ If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, ‘You idiot!’ When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways, or occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is ‘needy and dependent.’ But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is ‘aloof and insensitive.’ If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is ‘picky and compulsive.’ On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is ‘sloppy and disorganized.’

      It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because, when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame.

      We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs, not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values our of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.”

       Rosenberg MB. “Nonviolent communication. A language of life.” ed 2. Puddle Dancer Press, CA. 2003. 

Gevork Mosesi   www.dpreview.com

#176 Ideas, Concepts, Limitations

     While sitting in meditation, but of course also at other times, we have the opportunity to observe our self-talk. Much of this mental chatter is judgmental - "I like this", "I don't like that", "This tastes delicious", "I hate that dress." This is our (reptilian) brain stem's approach-avoidance reflex at work - useful at the subconscious level, but tedious as far as conversations go.

     We also tell ourselves "I've always been good at sports", "I've never been good at spelling", "I can't eat mushrooms - they always give me indigestion", "I could never do that - I can't handle stress."

     If we heard someone else say these things about us, we'd be upset for being unfairly categorized into a box, a prison. We'd feel like a caricature, an exaggeration of our foibles. It would be a form of prejudice. Yet, we take such self-talk seriously. Can we question our life-long assumptions? Can we at least hold them more lightly?

     "Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right."           Henry Ford

Canadian Museum for Human Rights, Winnipeg