How many times have you heard someone point out another's repeated self-defeating behaviour, only to be answered immediately with a defensive angry outburst: "but that's who I am!!"
Most of us identify with our behaviour patterns, including those that are seriously damaging. Why? Because the pattern of our self-talk, thoughts, & behaviour is perhaps the most stable of all phenomena. Everything changes, but we can pretty well fossilize a rigid personality for life - at a huge cost to our quality of life. So we pretend that our own foolish behaviour patterns are "solid & reliable" in an otherwise mysterious, constantly shifting, evolving universe.
We can do much better than that. We can constantly monitor our own self-talk, thoughts, speech & behaviour to see if these are appropriate & beneficial to the present moment and for our own & others' long-term happiness. If not, we can accept it, let it go, and choose to think, speak or act more wisely.
If it's not helpful, do less of it;
If it's helpful, do more of it.
This is mindful practice and it's result: psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility permits steady gradual evolution in consciousness, and thus wiser thoughts, speech & behaviour.
One's identity is neither solid, nor unchanging - it can & should evolve, throughout life, and not be held down in dysfunction. Advice during meditation about letting go of words and images, and remaining appropriate to the task in front of us, applies equally to "self-image". Many wise people have advised that we forget "the self" and concentrate on being kind. Of course this does not endorse self-neglect or self-abuse. However, being overly concerned about the 'self' guarantees suffering, while helping others consistently brings happiness & joy.
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