#490 A Safe Learning Environment

     We now appreciate the need to feel safe to be able to learn as well as to behave like civilized mature members of society.
     Stress impedes both learning, and the ability to make mature judgments. However, learning is inherently stressful in so far as the student (& we're ALL students) is never quite sure about what's going on - uncertainty, ambiguity, liminality is uncomfortable yet omnipresent - learning always comes with "growing pains"! 
     But as a society, we have a largely unexamined, yet very powerful aversion to discomfort. This learning / discomfort combo often results in emotional reactions. Teachers / instructors / professors & students blame each other for the discomfort.
     Of course teachers / instructors / professors also experience stress & its negative effects. They often care deeply for the material they teach, and may resent a perceived lower level of interest on the part of students. Teachers' memory of themselves as students tends to become idealized over the years. Teachers are also aware that course evaluations are important to their career and that students whom they discipline or give low marks to, will likely retaliate with harsh course evaluations. So teachers may also, at times - also out of fear / stress - react inappropriately to students. Such behaviour, though caused by fear, tends to be interpreted as "bullying" because of the power differential. Most bullying is probably at least partially fear-based.
     Students & teachers - everyone - can & needs to cultivate alliances rather than adversarial relationships. Individuals must clearly recognize when they're stressed. Self-awareness is critical, since one cannot care properly for another human being, as called for by an alliance, while one is afraid, angry & stressed out. A warm caring attitude cannot be faked nor mandated. It can only happen when fear & anger are gone. It's a shared responsibility, among individuals & groups, to cultivate caring, civilized environments fit for quality human life.
     Stress impairs judgment. Recognize & let go of fear & anger BEFORE you say (email, text) or do anything. This requires mindfulness practice, making mistakes, accepting rather than denying the mistakes, more mindfulness practice, making fewer & smaller mistakes, accepting rather than denying the mistakes, more mindfulness practice, making fewer & smaller mistakes, ... on & on for life!
     By becoming increasingly mindful, we cultivate a safe learning environment for ourselves & others. 
     See: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2012/11/blindspots-ethics-evolution-of.html
     and: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/04/316-fear-reactivity-mindfulness-mature.html

Safe Learning Environment?

#438 Invalidating, Validation & Encouragement to Heal

     “Invalidating someone else is not merely disagreeing with something that the other person said. It is a process in which individuals communicate to another that the opinions & emotions of the target are invalid, irrational, selfish, uncaring, stupid, most likely insane, & wrong, wrong, wrong. Invalidators let it be known directly or indirectly that their target’s views & feelings do not count for anything to anybody at any time or in any way. In some families, the invalidation becomes extreme, leading to physical abuse & even murder. However, invalidation can also be accomplished by verbal manipulations that invalidate in ways both subtle & confusing.”
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201309/invalidation-in-families-what-are-the-hidden-aspects

     Invalidating is particularly damaging when inflicted by parents and other loved ones on the young. Even as adults, when we share something deeply meaningful & traumatic with a close friend, we need a fellow human being to hear us deeply, to be with us, to resonate with our feelings, to validate our humanity.
     Perhaps worse than being invalidated, one could end up in a dysfunctional support group. Here the strong common bond is a shared type of suffering. One's identity as a sufferer becomes, not just validated, but solidly established "reified." Group-think rejects significant improvement. One's identity & sense of belonging to cult-like groups depends on remaining essentially the same - not healing. (Healthy support groups actively promote wellness & healing.)
     The extreme opposite response will likely come from a meditation teacher, who might respond to our story with the question "WHO is suffering?" This may initially sound callous, puzzling, or weird. However, as we keep practicing - perhaps for many more years - the light might go on, and we suddenly "get it." We are being asked to carefully, critically examine our identity. Is identification with suffering valid? Am I pain - or - do I happen to have pain? There is a critical difference - suffering is inherent in the first, optional / minimal in the second. Furthermore, am I solid & unchanging? Is anything, including pain or suffering, solid, unchanging? See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2016/05/722-suffering-our-sense-of-self.html
     Of course there are many possible skillful means between the 3 extremes above: several mindfulness-based therapies eg MBCT, solution-focused therapy, motivational interviewing, internal family systems, and hundreds of other specific therapies - which some of us do need & would greatly benefit from.

      Suffering does NOT have to be our final miserable lot in life. Someone who encourages us to keep practicing is providing a great service (no matter how we may react to it at the time). See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/11/436-readiness-for-change-is-pivotal.html

Bindia Gupta   www.dpreview.com