#642 Nurishing Social Microclimates - the Give & Take - and Tragic Missed Opportunities

     We are social beings, depending much more than we realize on society. We're completely connected in every way with everyone & everything. Thich Nhat Hanh calls this "interbeing". Another evocative term is "porousness". 
     The people with whom we choose to associate most closely form our social microclimate. The quality of the collective heart-mind or consciousness of this group has the greatest impact on our own heart-mind, consciousness, quality of life. Clearly, we must choose our friends & workmates carefully - our life depends on them.

     We've all seen decent people led astray by lousy friends. The most tragic examples are apparently decent but troubled, marginalized youth, only able to find "friendship" online - in some cult, among fundamentalist extremists, 'Columbiners' etc.
     Desperation, loneliness and impatience invariably result in terrible choices. If we don't take care of our troubled, marginalized children, brothers & sisters, sociopaths are eager to abuse them. We are our brothers' & sisters' keepers.
     We not only need for ourselves, but must also provide for others, a social microclimate that nurtures our innate human kindness, goodness and wisdom.

     See: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2015/02/adrift-in-oceans-of-choices.html
     and: http://www.theawl.com/2012/10/the-killer-crush-from-columbiners-to-beliebers

#438 Invalidating, Validation & Encouragement to Heal

     “Invalidating someone else is not merely disagreeing with something that the other person said. It is a process in which individuals communicate to another that the opinions & emotions of the target are invalid, irrational, selfish, uncaring, stupid, most likely insane, & wrong, wrong, wrong. Invalidators let it be known directly or indirectly that their target’s views & feelings do not count for anything to anybody at any time or in any way. In some families, the invalidation becomes extreme, leading to physical abuse & even murder. However, invalidation can also be accomplished by verbal manipulations that invalidate in ways both subtle & confusing.”
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201309/invalidation-in-families-what-are-the-hidden-aspects

     Invalidating is particularly damaging when inflicted by parents and other loved ones on the young. Even as adults, when we share something deeply meaningful & traumatic with a close friend, we need a fellow human being to hear us deeply, to be with us, to resonate with our feelings, to validate our humanity.
     Perhaps worse than being invalidated, one could end up in a dysfunctional support group. Here the strong common bond is a shared type of suffering. One's identity as a sufferer becomes, not just validated, but solidly established "reified." Group-think rejects significant improvement. One's identity & sense of belonging to cult-like groups depends on remaining essentially the same - not healing. (Healthy support groups actively promote wellness & healing.)
     The extreme opposite response will likely come from a meditation teacher, who might respond to our story with the question "WHO is suffering?" This may initially sound callous, puzzling, or weird. However, as we keep practicing - perhaps for many more years - the light might go on, and we suddenly "get it." We are being asked to carefully, critically examine our identity. Is identification with suffering valid? Am I pain - or - do I happen to have pain? There is a critical difference - suffering is inherent in the first, optional / minimal in the second. Furthermore, am I solid & unchanging? Is anything, including pain or suffering, solid, unchanging? See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2016/05/722-suffering-our-sense-of-self.html
     Of course there are many possible skillful means between the 3 extremes above: several mindfulness-based therapies eg MBCT, solution-focused therapy, motivational interviewing, internal family systems, and hundreds of other specific therapies - which some of us do need & would greatly benefit from.

      Suffering does NOT have to be our final miserable lot in life. Someone who encourages us to keep practicing is providing a great service (no matter how we may react to it at the time). See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/11/436-readiness-for-change-is-pivotal.html

Bindia Gupta   www.dpreview.com