#753 Recognizing & Embodying the Inner Wise Grandparent

     Each of us has a 'part'** closely resembling a frightened/sad/angry child. 
     Each of us also has a 'part'** that’s like a wise grandparent, who uses far more mature/civilized/evolved ways of thinking, speaking, behaving. 
     A child’s fear, sadness &/or anger is so much better resolved with a wise grandparent’s soothing acceptance, compassion & love, than with fearful, angry & or sad rejection.
     The 'inner child' represents our conditioned, reactive mind, which is too often what we depend on. Fortunately, the 'wise grandparent' level of mind becomes increasingly available to us when we intentionally practice accessing & embodying it with mindfulness meditation. As we gradually grow in wisdom, we become increasingly proficient at 'self-soothing' and equanimity, despite life's inevitable & unpredictable ups & downs. This is true resilience.
     **see: Schwartz R.C. “Internal Family Systems Therapy.” Guilford Press, 1995. OR for a concise summary of IFS, see p172-176 in David A. Treleaven. “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing.” W.W. Norton & Co, 2018.

     If the above doesn't resonate, Kristin Neff's excellent exercise (below) may help you access your inner wise grandparent, even if you tend towards perfectionism & harsh self-judgment:

"Exploring Self-Compassion Through Letter Writing
Part One 
     Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure or not ‘good enough.’ It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living. Try thinking about an issue that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work or relationship issues, etc). How does this aspect of yourself make you feel inside – scared, sad, depressed, insecure, angry? What emotions come up for you when you think about this aspect of yourself? Please try to be as emotionally honest as possible and to avoid repressing any feelings, while at the same time not being melodramatic. Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less.

Part Two 
     Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind, and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been thinking about. Reflect upon what this friend feels toward you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature and is kind and forgiving toward you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control. 
     Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend – focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your ‘flaw’ from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the discomfort you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of the person’s acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness. 
     After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you like a cool breeze on a hot day. Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.” 
        Kristin Neff. “Self-Compassion. The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” HarperCollins Publishers, 2011.

BOTH are Worthy of & Deserve Unconditional Acceptance, Compassion & Love

#643 Choosing our Energy

     This morning I was trying to deal with the glare ice that completely covers our driveway. While chipping away at the rock-hard ice, and doing my best to stay on my feet, I became aware of how incredibly close two vastly different, competing energies resided within me.
     Adversarial reactivity, the default energy, quickly, spontaneously arose - me against the ice; anger-based - get rid of this bloody nuisance, immediately! Our reptilian ancestry remains alive and fully functional in all of us - egocentric, impatient.
     But a few seconds later, a "choice gap" opened, and I realized that I'm here to do something kind for my wife, visitors and myself - making the driveway safer, hopefully to avoid injuries. The adversarial reaction immediately morphed into kind intention; time-poverty into timelessness; tightness into openness; coldness into warmth; smallness into spaciousness; fear, anxiety & anger into stillness, peace & love.
     We can waste an incredible amount of time & energy by angrily hacking away at all the challenges (& challengers!) that arise over a lifetime. Many of us are conditioned to routinely take an adversarial approach to life's difficulties. This is fear-based, ineffective, antagonizing, and very hard on everyone, including ourself. 
     
     With mindfulness training, we learn to quickly recognize & drop this default, bull-in-a-China-shop approach, and immediately a better choice presents. With training, we can choose to embody & enjoy awareness, kindness, timelessness, stillness, peace and joy, under any circumstance, no matter how challenging.

     More Nuanced Energy Choices: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2015/02/real-time-monitoring-of-our-own-energy.html

Ami Vitale, National Geographic   http://photography.nationalgeographic.com

#568 Freedom of Choice, Moment-by-Moment

          "Between stimulus and response there is a space. 
           In that space is our power to choose our response.
           In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

                                                            Viktor Frankl

Winter Bike, Halifax

#525 Bare Attention Cultivation

     "... keep your attention focused on the tactile sensations of the breath, which change from moment to moment. ... let your mind be as conceptually silent as possible ... during the out-breath, release any involuntary thoughts that have cropped up. ... arouse your attention (counteracting laxity) during the in-breath, and relax your attention (counteracting excitation) with each out-breath. But don't relax so much that you become spaced out or dull. In this way, with each complete breath, you remedy the two major defects of attention.
     Meditation is a balancing act between attention and relaxation.
     The kind of awareness cultivated here is called bare attention, in which the mind is fully focused on the sensory impressions appearing to it, moment to moment, rather than getting caught up in conceptual & emotional responses to those stimuli."
 
       B. Alan Wallace. "The Attention Revolution. Unlocking the Power of the Focused Mind." Wisdom, Boston, 2006.  

     Wondering about your ability to meditate? See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2014/04/519-feeling-of-im-no-good-at-meditating.html

 

Jimmy Chin, National Geographic   http://photography.nationalgeographic.com

#513 Well-worn Grooves & New Perspectives

     At some point, we recognize that we're "creatures of habit". Of course those who know us, are well aware of our patterns of speech & behavior. We tend to react in a typical, fairly predictable fashion, to many situations. It's as if the infinite numbers & varieties of stimuli that we perceive from outside & inside our skin boundary could only "push" one of a small number of possible "buttons".
     The instant we become aware of the repetitive pattern of our thoughts, speech or behavior, we become conscious or mindful - no longer fused with, or trapped in "the momentum of our life". But it's very common and seductively easy to remain in a trance- or dream-like momentum. Even those who have some knowledge of mindfulness retain a strong emotional bias towards leaving their lives, warts & all, in the same old well-worn groove. They strongly resist shifting to greater consciousness. This is VERY similar to a sleepy, grumpy person being unhappy that it's time to wake up, get out of bed, & face the new day. They do not appreciate attempts, no matter how gentle or well-intentioned, to get them up.
     To the extent that we identify with the part of us that is in that sleepy, semi-conscious dream state, we resist change ie resist waking up. Filling life with distractions & addictions helps keep us asleep & keeps our attention away from the sad fact that we're living "a life unexamined".
     If we learn to be our own excellent sports psychologist, life coach & trainer, we can live a progressively more conscious, evolved quality of life. To the extent that we get fed up with sleeping our life away, we intentionally, progressively wake up. This is why we participate in mindfulness training.

     Below is a very good, recent overview of mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn speaking in London.

#509 Letting Go of Friction & Noise

     We have automatic, conditioned reactions to many life events. Some reactions are avoidant or aversive - we try to keep unpleasant, difficult or otherwise threatening things away physically, away from our heart / emotions (via armoring) or at the very least away from our consciousness (via suppression, repression). We reflexively erect pretend boundaries or barriers between ourselves and challenging reality.
     Our other reactions involve grasping or clinging - we automatically chase after, try to catch & permanently hang onto things we want or think we must have. 
     Grasping arises from instinctive fearful neediness, avoidant behavior arises from instinctive fearful aversion. Both are fear-based & self-centered. Both are primitive instincts we share with animals, right down to single-cell organisms. This echo from our collective & personal evolutionary past expressed through our fearful inner child can be sufficiently powerful as to dominate our life OR at the very least, add a great deal of undesirable friction or noise.
     Enabling (in the negative, psychological sense - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling) our inner child predictably drains us of energy, and predictably leads to suffering. As we gradually become aware of this repetitive, dysfunctional pattern, we become motivated to find a better way to live - more & more like the inner wise grandparent.
     Mindfulness practice is all about intentionally, gently but persistently, shifting (evolving) our level of consciousness ("operating system") from fearful child to wise adult.

Steve McCurry   stevemccurry.com

#507 Business as Usual?

     Each of us is deeply conditioned by our genetics, past & present life circumstances to perceive, think & behave in the unique, individual way that we each do. Though it may not look like it from others' perspectives, we're all literally doing our best, given all the varied complex inputs into our life.
     If we were to see a drowning person flailing away, we'd immediately - objectively - see how ineffective this was compared to a skilled swimmer's efficient, relatively effortless strokes & kicks. The drowning man's strokes don't measure up, yet he's surely doing his utmost best under the circumstances. He hasn't chosen to look ineffective, nor to be drowning. Were we to yell out instructions on how to improve his strokes, he'd ignore them, and get mad at us for not helping to pull him out.
     Most of us do a lot of flailing in our life! How many of us consistently engage daily life with graceful ease? How many of us consistently employ mature judgment, good humor, bringing about decreasing suffering & increasing joy for ourselves and all those around us for the long haul?
     Ineffectual, draining reactivity to life's challenges is the result of our unexamined conditioning. It's not our fault. But, how long we put up with this primitive "operating system" AND when we commit to upgrading to our more evolved "operating system" is ENTIRELY OUR CHOICE.
     Recognizing reactivity, accepting it, letting it go, and learning to stabilize in our more mature operating system needs to be experienced to be appreciated. Welcome to mindfulness practice.

Steve McCurry   stevemccurry.com

#501 Quality of Life & Your Way of Being

     We consider it normal, natural, the way things work, when external (eg the weather, the economy etc) and internal conditions (eg the effect of a heavy meal or a fight with a loved one etc) determine our mood, and to a large extent our behavior. After all, we know ourselves, and "that's who we are" - alluding to our stereotypical responses (conditioned reactions) to these conditions.  How many times have we heard ourselves & others predict "It's Monday - I'm going to have a lousy day", or "Oh that movie stars actor X, I'm going to hate it"? This is how most of us live our lives much of the time - on autopilot, reacting predictably to circumstances, with little conscious supervision or corrections. What quality of life does this lead to? Can't we do better?
     Some people realize that this situation is a dead end, but firmly believe that they're powerless to improve it. If our quality of life was directly controlled by our environment, the cynical motto: "Life is tough, and then you die" would be justified.
     Those who practice Mindfulness meditation quickly learn that the Mindfulness exercises are designed to progressively free us from the effects of years of conditioning, so we may enjoy freedom of choice. We don't have to be on autopilot; we don't have to react mechanically to external or internal circumstances. No circumstance, not even a Monday or an actor, controls our emotions, prefrontal cortex (judgment), or our motor cortex (movement).
     Can we concern ourselves first & foremost with monitoring the quality of our own awareness, our level of consciousness, our mood, the tone of our body? 
     • How is life when we feel mentally bright, at ease, peaceful, kind, our body relaxed & radiating warmth? 
     • How is life when we feel mentally dull, on guard, anxious / angry, fearful, our body tight, armored, closed & cold? 

     EXPERIENCE how your way of being affects your quality of life - your every perception.

     See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/02/280-koans-to-guide-formal-informal.html

#493 How We Prioritize - Why We Fail to "Pick our Battles"

     How do we know when we have to drop everything, & immediately redirect all our resources to a new specific issue? A classic example: we suddenly feel searing pain (anywhere in the body-mind) - all our alarm bells go off at once - a massive call for action & we're instantly in full fight-freeze-flight mode. We're running on emotions, everything else - including ability to make mature judgments - shuts down. This is the default mode for most people in life-or-death emergencies - instinctively prioritized reaction to the threat to our survival.
     Unfortunately, few of us appropriately distinguish acute life-or-death emergencies from minor threats: to our ego, comfort & convenience. Because of this common conflation, stress, anxiety & depression are epidemic & becoming increasingly incapacitating.
     So the problem is that our firefighters routinely break down the doors & windows, whisking us off to the ER, even though most of the time, there's no fire - just kitty stuck in the tree. This biological version of "the boy who cried wolf" is very hard on everyone concerned - internal friction: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/10/423-what-is-this.html and http://www.johnlovas.com/search?q=fight

Dianne Silverman   The Boy Who Cried Wolf   www.mnartists.org

#491 Holding Things Lightly in Awareness - Observing Change

     Meditation is often said to be "simple but not easy." When we first start to meditate, we're advised to sit still, yet we notice that we often suddenly move to scratch ourselves or make our legs more comfortable. Initially we tend to (mildly) rebel against this instruction & rationalize our not following it by arguing that one simply has to move, because ... Then quickly we may suddenly conclude "I'm no good at meditating."
     So even this tiny, initial fragment of sitting meditation practice provides a fascinating mirror by which to observe ourselves. Yet this mini-challenge, along with everything else, will change.
     The trick is not to struggle against it (against yourself), but hold it all lightly, in awareness.

Elena Shumilova  http://www.flickr.com/photos/75571860@N06/11874722676/

#490 A Safe Learning Environment

     We now appreciate the need to feel safe to be able to learn as well as to behave like civilized mature members of society.
     Stress impedes both learning, and the ability to make mature judgments. However, learning is inherently stressful in so far as the student (& we're ALL students) is never quite sure about what's going on - uncertainty, ambiguity, liminality is uncomfortable yet omnipresent - learning always comes with "growing pains"! 
     But as a society, we have a largely unexamined, yet very powerful aversion to discomfort. This learning / discomfort combo often results in emotional reactions. Teachers / instructors / professors & students blame each other for the discomfort.
     Of course teachers / instructors / professors also experience stress & its negative effects. They often care deeply for the material they teach, and may resent a perceived lower level of interest on the part of students. Teachers' memory of themselves as students tends to become idealized over the years. Teachers are also aware that course evaluations are important to their career and that students whom they discipline or give low marks to, will likely retaliate with harsh course evaluations. So teachers may also, at times - also out of fear / stress - react inappropriately to students. Such behaviour, though caused by fear, tends to be interpreted as "bullying" because of the power differential. Most bullying is probably at least partially fear-based.
     Students & teachers - everyone - can & needs to cultivate alliances rather than adversarial relationships. Individuals must clearly recognize when they're stressed. Self-awareness is critical, since one cannot care properly for another human being, as called for by an alliance, while one is afraid, angry & stressed out. A warm caring attitude cannot be faked nor mandated. It can only happen when fear & anger are gone. It's a shared responsibility, among individuals & groups, to cultivate caring, civilized environments fit for quality human life.
     Stress impairs judgment. Recognize & let go of fear & anger BEFORE you say (email, text) or do anything. This requires mindfulness practice, making mistakes, accepting rather than denying the mistakes, more mindfulness practice, making fewer & smaller mistakes, accepting rather than denying the mistakes, more mindfulness practice, making fewer & smaller mistakes, ... on & on for life!
     By becoming increasingly mindful, we cultivate a safe learning environment for ourselves & others. 
     See: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2012/11/blindspots-ethics-evolution-of.html
     and: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/04/316-fear-reactivity-mindfulness-mature.html

Safe Learning Environment?

#397 Wise Behaviour Only Arises from Wisdom

     From birth we're conditioned to act in ways that please our parents, families, then friends, teachers, then bosses, co-workers, and the rest of society. Whether we did or did not accomplish an act is clear, easily judged. How well we did it is much more difficult to judge, and is somewhat subjective. Our attitude & intentions while accomplishing the act are very difficult for someone else to judge.
     So based on a lifetime of conditioning, many of us live our lives tightly governed by external approval of our actions. We become compulsive doers, "overachievers", "terribly busy", to the detriment of our attitudes, intentions, emotions - our inner life.
     Many of us literally fear peace, quiet, tranquility, stillness, self-reflection, meditation etc assuming that these might somehow competitively inhibit our ability to act (loss of external approval). We become anxious when we have even a bit of free, unstructured "down time".
     Indeed a part of us (brain stem) is conditioned to react with an approach-avoidance reflex to (societal & other) stimuli. However, the most highly evolved part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) is the seat of our executive function, mature judgment, meaning, values, attitude, intentions, quality (vs quantity), long-term goals ... our vitally critical inner life that should be directing our outer life.
     Civilized mature human beings should be intentionally cultivating their ability to operate with their FULL mental / human capacity. Meditation is an important means of achieving this for oneself. Universities must assume leadership to ensure their graduates are WISE, not simply reacting to societal pressures via primitive reflexes. 

#393 Awareness, Acceptance & Dwelling in Two Apparently Distinct Realities

     As a natural consequence of ongoing mindfulness practice, we gradually become increasingly clearly aware of what's going on - both within and outside of ourselves. This is often described as "waking up" as if from a dream, or becoming conscious after being on "autopilot".
     Another natural consequence of our ongoing practice, we gradually stop believing the brain stem's judgment of all that we perceive as either "good" or "bad" (black-or-white thinking), and are thus more & more able to replace primitive egocentric (brain stem) reactivity with wiser allocentric perspective & behavior (prefrontal cortex).
     Interestingly and importantly, our brain stem remains in place & functional, so we remain aware of our own ongoing immediate egocentric judgments. However, meditation practice progressively rewires our brain, changing it structurally & functionally. So the brain stem's messages are perceived less & less as commands for immediate action, and are increasingly perceived as dubious options with a long track record of leading to suffering. And because of our direct experiential knowledge, we fully understand - and have compassion for - both ourselves & others when we more or less automatically obey brain stem reflexes.
     As our prefrontal cortex becomes increasingly dominant, we increasingly recognize not only our own, but other people's inherent clarity, wholeness & wisdom. We recognize & nurture this amazing natural human capacity in ourselves and others. This is the ultimate height & depth of human activity.

#392 BOTH Anxious, Confused, Reactive - AND - Calm, Clear-minded, Wise

     We gradually let go of rigid black-or-white dualistic thinking as we become aware of infinite shades between extremes. As we broaden our intellectual & emotional horizons (gain psychological flexibility), we increasingly appreciate our own & others' weaknesses AND strengths.
     Seeing another's weakness opens our hearts to fellow human beings who, like all of us, are carrying heavy burdens.
     Seeing another's strength inspires us, knowing that we ourselves also have at least some of that very same capacity.

     Wisdom involves clearly seeing & compassionately accepting imperfection, while at the same time, resting in awareness & nurturing inherent wholeness. See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/09/393-awareness-acceptance-dwelling-in.html

     "Therapeutic presence is the atmosphere for attending to the person's pain and vulnerability, while engaging their inner resiliency and wholeness."
       Palmer PJ, Zajonc A. The heart of higher education: A call to renewal. Transforming the academy through collegial conversation. Jossey-Bass, San Francisco, 2010.

  Muck AND Beauty

#381 Each Moment - a New Beginning

     "The goal of becoming a better person is within the reach of us all, at every moment. The tool for emerging from the primitive yoke of conditioned responses to the tangible freedom of the conscious life lies just behind our brow. We need only invoke the power of mindful awareness in any action of body, speech, or mind to elevate that action from the unconscious reflex of a trained creature to the awakened choice of a human being who is guided to a higher life by wisdom."             Andrew Olendzki PhD

     An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. 
     "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
     The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" 
     The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
       http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html

From Kelly McGonigal's YouTube video - see: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/08/384-understanding-willpower-competing.html