#753 Recognizing & Embodying the Inner Wise Grandparent

     Each of us has a 'part'** closely resembling a frightened/sad/angry child. 
     Each of us also has a 'part'** that’s like a wise grandparent, who uses far more mature/civilized/evolved ways of thinking, speaking, behaving. 
     A child’s fear, sadness &/or anger is so much better resolved with a wise grandparent’s soothing acceptance, compassion & love, than with fearful, angry & or sad rejection.
     The 'inner child' represents our conditioned, reactive mind, which is too often what we depend on. Fortunately, the 'wise grandparent' level of mind becomes increasingly available to us when we intentionally practice accessing & embodying it with mindfulness meditation. As we gradually grow in wisdom, we become increasingly proficient at 'self-soothing' and equanimity, despite life's inevitable & unpredictable ups & downs. This is true resilience.
     **see: Schwartz R.C. “Internal Family Systems Therapy.” Guilford Press, 1995. OR for a concise summary of IFS, see p172-176 in David A. Treleaven. “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing.” W.W. Norton & Co, 2018.

     If the above doesn't resonate, Kristin Neff's excellent exercise (below) may help you access your inner wise grandparent, even if you tend towards perfectionism & harsh self-judgment:

"Exploring Self-Compassion Through Letter Writing
Part One 
     Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure or not ‘good enough.’ It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living. Try thinking about an issue that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work or relationship issues, etc). How does this aspect of yourself make you feel inside – scared, sad, depressed, insecure, angry? What emotions come up for you when you think about this aspect of yourself? Please try to be as emotionally honest as possible and to avoid repressing any feelings, while at the same time not being melodramatic. Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less.

Part Two 
     Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind, and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been thinking about. Reflect upon what this friend feels toward you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature and is kind and forgiving toward you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control. 
     Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend – focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your ‘flaw’ from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the discomfort you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of the person’s acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness. 
     After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you like a cool breeze on a hot day. Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.” 
        Kristin Neff. “Self-Compassion. The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” HarperCollins Publishers, 2011.

BOTH are Worthy of & Deserve Unconditional Acceptance, Compassion & Love

#510 Embracing or Enabling?

     We get many clues about which operating system (OS) is operating in us at any given time.
     The fearful / hurt child operating system is emotionally labile, up & down according to security & pleasure (or vice versa) for the self-centered child. In this OS, we're constantly chasing after, or running from something, assuming our (inner child's) happiness hinges entirely on the success or failure of our frantic striving. Not enough time or crushing boredom; anxiety about lacking or emptiness pervade.
     The wise adult / grandparent operating system is equanimous, open-hearted, generous, and equally concerned about the welfare of others (allocentric), own inner child (self-compassion), & the environment (ecocentric). A profound sense of ease, connection, completeness, gratitude, stillness, and timelessness pervades.
     It's a very common mistake to compulsively attempt to satisfy our inner fearful child's appetites, but most of this is dysfunctional enabling. The more we're preoccupied by these appetites or our desire to satisfy them, the more power we give the immature inner child over our adult lives. It's very much like fantasizing about, & repeatedly obtaining alcohol when one's an alcoholic. Yes the wanting is there, BUT there's a vast universe at hand that is happily independent of ethanol & our addictive craving. To the degree that we can open our mind-heart to this vast reality, and can hold our hurt inner child in safety & unconditional love, the power & relevance of the craving fades.
     Consciously recognizing the fearful child effects, embracing without pandering to the inner child, and instead, opening up to the present moment, opening our mind-heart to what's appropriate right now, we steadily become more & more stabilized in our mature wise way of being. 

Jonathan Shapiro   www.dpreview.com

#507 Business as Usual?

     Each of us is deeply conditioned by our genetics, past & present life circumstances to perceive, think & behave in the unique, individual way that we each do. Though it may not look like it from others' perspectives, we're all literally doing our best, given all the varied complex inputs into our life.
     If we were to see a drowning person flailing away, we'd immediately - objectively - see how ineffective this was compared to a skilled swimmer's efficient, relatively effortless strokes & kicks. The drowning man's strokes don't measure up, yet he's surely doing his utmost best under the circumstances. He hasn't chosen to look ineffective, nor to be drowning. Were we to yell out instructions on how to improve his strokes, he'd ignore them, and get mad at us for not helping to pull him out.
     Most of us do a lot of flailing in our life! How many of us consistently engage daily life with graceful ease? How many of us consistently employ mature judgment, good humor, bringing about decreasing suffering & increasing joy for ourselves and all those around us for the long haul?
     Ineffectual, draining reactivity to life's challenges is the result of our unexamined conditioning. It's not our fault. But, how long we put up with this primitive "operating system" AND when we commit to upgrading to our more evolved "operating system" is ENTIRELY OUR CHOICE.
     Recognizing reactivity, accepting it, letting it go, and learning to stabilize in our more mature operating system needs to be experienced to be appreciated. Welcome to mindfulness practice.

Steve McCurry   stevemccurry.com

#493 How We Prioritize - Why We Fail to "Pick our Battles"

     How do we know when we have to drop everything, & immediately redirect all our resources to a new specific issue? A classic example: we suddenly feel searing pain (anywhere in the body-mind) - all our alarm bells go off at once - a massive call for action & we're instantly in full fight-freeze-flight mode. We're running on emotions, everything else - including ability to make mature judgments - shuts down. This is the default mode for most people in life-or-death emergencies - instinctively prioritized reaction to the threat to our survival.
     Unfortunately, few of us appropriately distinguish acute life-or-death emergencies from minor threats: to our ego, comfort & convenience. Because of this common conflation, stress, anxiety & depression are epidemic & becoming increasingly incapacitating.
     So the problem is that our firefighters routinely break down the doors & windows, whisking us off to the ER, even though most of the time, there's no fire - just kitty stuck in the tree. This biological version of "the boy who cried wolf" is very hard on everyone concerned - internal friction: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/10/423-what-is-this.html and http://www.johnlovas.com/search?q=fight

Dianne Silverman   The Boy Who Cried Wolf   www.mnartists.org

#441 Emotions, Momentum & Mindfulness

     Emotions may or may not initiate, but they do energize & perpetuate activity - motion with momentum - propelling a course of action, a predetermined direction toward a goal.
     Even for noble initiatives, shouldn't we still proceed with full conscious awareness of the process & ever-changing conditions, ready & able to enact any modifications & corrections that invariably become necessary along the way? Isn't hot-headed impatience usually detrimental?
     And if, as is often the case, our initiative turns out to be less than brilliant to start with - shouldn't we have the humility to markedly change or scrap a bad action plan?
     Like ethanol & stress, strong emotions trample good judgment. Persevering consciously, intelligently, with great care, to complete a worthy goal comes from a much deeper, more still, more silent place than the chaotic abode of powerful emotions. Chaotic energy can be effectively tamed, transformed & harnessed in the service of wise mindful behavior.

#417 Appreciating & Even Prioritizing QUALITY - Stillness & Silence

     How does it feel when we're about to do something that gives us a quick fix - like eating a chocolate bar (instead of a healthy snack) when we're hungry, or rushing a job to get it over & done with (instead of doing it with appropriate care)? Isn't there a building momentum to approach & complete the act, as if starting to descend from the highest point on a roller coaster, or as if pulled by a powerful magnet?
     When we're being self-centered, grasping for "short-term gains" - we're much like addicts reaching for their addictive substance of choice - big pull, brief elation, big let-down, and we're worse off, knowing we've just added to our own (plus likely our loved ones') "long-term pains".

     In contrast, how does it feel when we're about to do something that's not about us, but for the long-term benefit of others? When we're about to do the right thing? There's no momentum, no magnetic effect. We make wise, mature decisions from a place of stillness, a place of silence. We can feel this stillness.

     Isn't it sad that we become addicted to the "excitement" of brief highs, despite, & even because of their brevity, inevitability of crashing & other hangovers? Why does it take so long for us to let go of cheap thrills? We seem to have to gradually, intentionally learn to appreciate, and very slowly prioritize, peace & mature judgment.
     Quality is a very slowly acquired taste for most of us. Mindfulness practice is a direct way of increasing the pace of this critical - yet mysteriously avoided - experiential learning. Of course we still have prioritize this practice over our habitual momentum-driven distractions.

     See: http://www.johnlovas.com/2013/10/self-concepts-sense-of-momentum-or.html
     and: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2013/10/uncomfortable-being-still.html 

#334 Odd Statements, Self-knowledge & Addiction

     Many suggestions and statements in the mindfulness literature may - initially - sound odd, intriguing, puzzling or just plain irritating. We measure all information based on our current worldview and self-concept. If new information does not fit with our current worldview and self-concept, there's cognitive dissonance, which is uncomfortable. 
     We don't like being uncomfortable. So instead of creatively approaching novel information, we try to avoid new data that threatens the status quo: ignore it or reinterpret (distort) it to fit our preconceptions. Only as a last resort, do we elect to grow as a person, mature - upgrade, remodel & expand our worldview & self-concept to better fit reality. 
     There's an addictive quality to our opinions, concepts - including self-concept, and worldview. They have a magical spell quality to them - like a "lucky coin" we feel we have to carry in our pockets at all times - or else!!! We identify with these - we think that we are literally composed of these ephemeral "things". We fear ego-death when we contemplate upgrading our self-concept or worldview. But of course we don't disappear or become diminished in any way when we change our minds about any or all of these. In fact, we become more at home in the universe, the more we open up to reality as it truly is. It's a progressive unburdening to drop old superstitions and evolve as an intelligent mature human being.

Dale Chihuly   http://www.chihulygardenandglass.com/

#326 Classical Japanese Centeredness & Mindfulness

      Profound awareness of, being fully at home and thoroughly grounded in one's own body, anywhere, under any circumstance, is relatively rare these days, perhaps even in the East. Nevertheless, this mind-body-universe integrity is an important quality to regain, and mindfulness practice is an excellent way to do so.

     “Japanese women … their way of sitting still – knees together, resting on their heels, withdrawn into themselves and yet completely free and relaxed. If with a swift and supple motion they rise from this position to do something such as pouring out the rice wine, they return immediately and without loss of poise to the quiet sitting posture, upright and attentive, completely there, yet not there at all, and just wait until the next thing has to be done. … but so also sits the ballad singer, and the singing geisha, and so sits the male choir in the Kabuki, the classical theater, and so the Samurai – so they all sit and stand like symbols of life, collected and ready for anything. And as they sit and stand, so also do they walk and dance and wrestle and fence, fundamentally motionless. For every movement is as though anchored in an immovable center from which all motion flows and from which it receives its force, direction and measure. The immovable center lies in Hara.”

       Durckheim KG. “Hara – The vital center of man.” Inner Traditions, Rochester VT, 1975 (originally published 1956). 

     For more on Hara see: http://www.johnlovas.com/search?q=hara

Tai Chi on Samish Island, WA