#753 Recognizing & Embodying the Inner Wise Grandparent

     Each of us has a 'part'** closely resembling a frightened/sad/angry child. 
     Each of us also has a 'part'** that’s like a wise grandparent, who uses far more mature/civilized/evolved ways of thinking, speaking, behaving. 
     A child’s fear, sadness &/or anger is so much better resolved with a wise grandparent’s soothing acceptance, compassion & love, than with fearful, angry & or sad rejection.
     The 'inner child' represents our conditioned, reactive mind, which is too often what we depend on. Fortunately, the 'wise grandparent' level of mind becomes increasingly available to us when we intentionally practice accessing & embodying it with mindfulness meditation. As we gradually grow in wisdom, we become increasingly proficient at 'self-soothing' and equanimity, despite life's inevitable & unpredictable ups & downs. This is true resilience.
     **see: Schwartz R.C. “Internal Family Systems Therapy.” Guilford Press, 1995. OR for a concise summary of IFS, see p172-176 in David A. Treleaven. “Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness. Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing.” W.W. Norton & Co, 2018.

     If the above doesn't resonate, Kristin Neff's excellent exercise (below) may help you access your inner wise grandparent, even if you tend towards perfectionism & harsh self-judgment:

"Exploring Self-Compassion Through Letter Writing
Part One 
     Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure or not ‘good enough.’ It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living. Try thinking about an issue that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work or relationship issues, etc). How does this aspect of yourself make you feel inside – scared, sad, depressed, insecure, angry? What emotions come up for you when you think about this aspect of yourself? Please try to be as emotionally honest as possible and to avoid repressing any feelings, while at the same time not being melodramatic. Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less.

Part Two 
     Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind, and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been thinking about. Reflect upon what this friend feels toward you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature and is kind and forgiving toward you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control. 
     Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend – focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your ‘flaw’ from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the discomfort you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of the person’s acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness. 
     After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you like a cool breeze on a hot day. Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.” 
        Kristin Neff. “Self-Compassion. The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” HarperCollins Publishers, 2011.

BOTH are Worthy of & Deserve Unconditional Acceptance, Compassion & Love

#511 Who Am I - Right Now?

     As soon as I pause to consider "Who am I?", I'm immediately being mindful - a feature of the wise adult operating system (WAOS) - see yesterday's post. Perspective, awareness of how things interconnect, how everything is interdependent, how every thought, word & action has immediate local as well as long-term distant effects are important components of wisdom. Behavior that arises from this place of relative stillness tends to be appropriate, kind, and serves the long-term welfare of many.
     But when I'm "driven" to think, speak & act by unexamined energies, short-term gain for my ego is almost invariably the driver, the source of the energy. And long-term pain is very likely the result, for myself, others & the environment. Feeling "energized" to do something should always be carefully examined rather than quickly acted out. Reasonable courses of action seldom come attached to a brief rush of emotion. Behind energized zeal, there is often aversion, anger, hatred, and ultimately, fear - the fearful child operating system (FCOS) actually driving the whole sorry misadventure.
     "Who am I?" is such a critical question to ask oneself, very often, since we make important, life-changing choices moment-by-moment. EVERYTHING depends on the OS that's functioning - who we are - scared child OR wise adult - who do I want running my life? Please also read: http://www.johnlovas.com/2014/03/power-its-origin-how-to-use-it.html

upuaut   www.dpreview.com

#510 Embracing or Enabling?

     We get many clues about which operating system (OS) is operating in us at any given time.
     The fearful / hurt child operating system is emotionally labile, up & down according to security & pleasure (or vice versa) for the self-centered child. In this OS, we're constantly chasing after, or running from something, assuming our (inner child's) happiness hinges entirely on the success or failure of our frantic striving. Not enough time or crushing boredom; anxiety about lacking or emptiness pervade.
     The wise adult / grandparent operating system is equanimous, open-hearted, generous, and equally concerned about the welfare of others (allocentric), own inner child (self-compassion), & the environment (ecocentric). A profound sense of ease, connection, completeness, gratitude, stillness, and timelessness pervades.
     It's a very common mistake to compulsively attempt to satisfy our inner fearful child's appetites, but most of this is dysfunctional enabling. The more we're preoccupied by these appetites or our desire to satisfy them, the more power we give the immature inner child over our adult lives. It's very much like fantasizing about, & repeatedly obtaining alcohol when one's an alcoholic. Yes the wanting is there, BUT there's a vast universe at hand that is happily independent of ethanol & our addictive craving. To the degree that we can open our mind-heart to this vast reality, and can hold our hurt inner child in safety & unconditional love, the power & relevance of the craving fades.
     Consciously recognizing the fearful child effects, embracing without pandering to the inner child, and instead, opening up to the present moment, opening our mind-heart to what's appropriate right now, we steadily become more & more stabilized in our mature wise way of being. 

Jonathan Shapiro   www.dpreview.com

#509 Letting Go of Friction & Noise

     We have automatic, conditioned reactions to many life events. Some reactions are avoidant or aversive - we try to keep unpleasant, difficult or otherwise threatening things away physically, away from our heart / emotions (via armoring) or at the very least away from our consciousness (via suppression, repression). We reflexively erect pretend boundaries or barriers between ourselves and challenging reality.
     Our other reactions involve grasping or clinging - we automatically chase after, try to catch & permanently hang onto things we want or think we must have. 
     Grasping arises from instinctive fearful neediness, avoidant behavior arises from instinctive fearful aversion. Both are fear-based & self-centered. Both are primitive instincts we share with animals, right down to single-cell organisms. This echo from our collective & personal evolutionary past expressed through our fearful inner child can be sufficiently powerful as to dominate our life OR at the very least, add a great deal of undesirable friction or noise.
     Enabling (in the negative, psychological sense - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling) our inner child predictably drains us of energy, and predictably leads to suffering. As we gradually become aware of this repetitive, dysfunctional pattern, we become motivated to find a better way to live - more & more like the inner wise grandparent.
     Mindfulness practice is all about intentionally, gently but persistently, shifting (evolving) our level of consciousness ("operating system") from fearful child to wise adult.

Steve McCurry   stevemccurry.com