#160 Sad? Bored? Annoyed? Angered?

     Do a lot of people, places, situations etc bug you, get you down, irritate you? Do you put a great deal of time and resources into owning a nice home in a nice part of town, a nice car, nice clothes, nice places for vacations? Conversely, are you pouring much of your energy into avoiding specific (for you) intolerable people, foods, places, cosmetics, activities, etc? Either way, do things still fail to meet your hopes and expectations, or when they do, is satisfaction fleeting? Does this leave you feeling unlucky or cursed, while others appear to be content, happy even?

     What's the main difference between unhappy you and others who seem happy?

     You assume that happiness comes only when external situations nicely suit you, stay great or keep improving. Life's circumstances may not be any better for those who are genuinely happy, however, their attitude or (inner) state of being is radically different. They accept reality as it is - from incredibly wonderful to shockingly horrible (but mostly in between) and constantly changing. This is simply a fact of life. They warmly embrace ALL of life, as it comes, with (relative) equanimity.

     You may already know the above 'secret' to resilience (stress hardiness), but have chosen to remain outraged or cynical about life. You may strongly identify with this attitude - this is how people know you. Also, this intellectual stance against life is stable, fully under your control, and almost serves as a shield against harsh reality.

     Putting down the above way of intellectually distancing yourself from life, even if you decide to do so, will take time, effort and discipline. Layers of attitudinal armor (also manifesting as muscular pain / tension, road-rage, headaches etc) protect the ego. HOWEVER, it also shields you from experiencing real joy, AND makes you miserable to be with.

     Having been there for longer than I care to recall, I HIGHLY recommend that you progressively open up to warmly embrace all of life, exactly as it is - see what happens. How does it feel as your heart area softens and opens up? Just maybe people will find your newly emerging personality warmer, more human, more inviting.

Photo: gerry328   www.dpreview.com

#159 Conscious choice vs Self-deception

     We've all said and done things that we regretted - immediately, or later, even decades after the fact! We're slow learners and have blind spots. Since we all do what we feel is necessary to survive, our subconscious suppresses those thoughts, words and actions that violate the values we consciously profess. Yes, we even (try to) fool ourselves!
     How else could Earl Jones rob most of his closest family members (& many others) of their life savings in his Ponzi scheme? However, living a divided life (consciously or subconsciously), eats away at us like worms in an apple. How do you suppose Bernie Madoff feels, sitting in prison, about driving his son to commit suicide?
     A cancer on society, is also a cancer in his immediate family and within himself. Each of us is an organic part of a single global community.
     “Some version of the Golden Rule, ‘Treat others as you would want to be treated,’ is core to the moral code of essentially every culture or religion including Greek polytheism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Confucianism, and Buddism.”        Nash DA. Ethics, empathy, and the education of dentists. J Dent Educ 2010; 74(6): 567-78.

     Externally-imposed moral codes are effective for some. For those aware of an inner compass, the universe is but a small bathtub - emptying your bowls while sitting in the bathtub illustrates karma.

     If we start making all our choices consciously, we'll clearly see what our choices bring. Only then can we confidently start doing more of what works - brings joy, and less of what doesn't work - brings suffering.

      Awakening to engage directly with reality requires continuous intelligent effort - mindfulness.

Photo: bluemoonman   www.dpreview.com

#158 A life worth living?

     In the 2009 movie "Cooking with Stella," a decent Canadian couple moves to New Delhi, India to work at the Canadian High Commission. There they try to befriend the local staff, who in turn systematically steals as much as they can from them by any means possible. What I find truly disturbing about this movie is that it ends with the perps 'triumphantly' driving off with their ill-gotten gains: car, smart phones, cash. The implied message? Those who die with the most toys win; all's fair in the pursuit of bling.

     An instructional video (~2010) by Lionel Laroche PhD "Making connections between culturally different students and faculty" suggests that in hierarchical societies (most countries), it's 'normal' for people to do whatever it takes to get ahead (eg cheating on exams), whereas in egalitarian societies (Canada & USA), people show more respect for fairness, honesty, the greater good of society. 
http://jobsearch.theworkingcentre.org/employer-expectations/919-diversity-canadian-workplace-lionel-laroche

     Some cultures are infamous for considering the ability to deceive others as the ultimate sign of sophistication and 'wisdom', while honest, truthful people are misconstrued as simpletons. Even in Canada and the US, every day some business or government leader is convicted of swindling their fellow man. Is sleaze becoming the global non-culture?

     Do those who lie and cheat actually think that people don't notice? Do they think their victims will 'understand'? Who doesn't actively avoid being lied to, robbed, and made a fool of?

     How can individuals discover who they are - mature into quality human beings - when reliable guidelines and support systems for living a decent human life are rapidly disappearing?

     "Why are we here? What is the meaning of existence? What truly matters the most in life? To even begin to answer these questions, we must start by exploring our own internal ideals, values, and beliefs." James Hollis

     Hollis J. What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life. Gotham, 2009.

Midlife - July 27, 2012 excellent episode of CBC radio's Tapestry with Mary Hynes

http://www.cbc.ca/tapestry/

Photo: fotoselect   www.dpreview.com

#157 Emotions - Yin and Yang

     "Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."   Carl Jung

Photo: imarollingstone   www.dpreview.com

 

#156 Broadening engagement

     “From the discovery of … deep, mythic undercurrents in one’s life, and the revelation of unsuspected levels of meaning, comes support for healing and the self-reflection that leads to understanding.”

     Metzner R. “The unfolding self. Varieties of transformative experience.” Origin Press, Novato CA, 1998. 

Photo: Map1275   www.dpreview.com

 

#155 Digital Distraction; Modern Multi-tasking Madness

     "Today's Tweeting, Yelping, Flickring, Foursquaring, TripAdvising mentality generates such a carnivorous hunger for stimulation and instant gratification that, no matter how much storytelling, love, humor, philosophy, music, contemplative content, 3-D imagery, or wisdom we shove into our systems, it still leaves us wanting."

     Stusser MA. The Tweeting, Yelping, Flickering, Foursquaring, TripAdvising Mentality. Shambhala Sun, September 2012.

Rush hour in China - photo from the web

#154 Open your heart?

     Mindfulness may most succinctly be defined as “an openhearted, moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness".

        Kabat-Zinn J. Coming to our senses: Healing ourselves and the world through mindfulness. Hyperion, NY, 2005.

     How do you feel when I suggest "open your heart"?

     I've had very interesting conversations about this. For many, it's a great theory or aspiration, but impractical if not downright terrifying. "The world (people) would take advantage of me!" And indeed, most of us spend sometimes all, but certainly way too much of our lives with our hearts barricaded away, partially frozen to life and love. It takes one or more 'rude wake-up calls' from life for some of us to start intentionally shedding the armor from around our frozen hearts and start embracing life - so that real living can begin ...       Lesser E. “Broken open. How difficult times can help us grow.” Villard, NY, 2005.

     “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” Thich Nhat Hanh
 

Photo: Rutgerbus   www.dpreview.com

#153 Two main categories of meditation

     Concentration (focused attention) and open awareness (open monitoring) are the two main types or categories into which all forms of meditation fit. The open awareness form may start with a brief period of concentration, to help settle the "monkey mind".

"Focused Attention:

• Directing and sustaining attention on a selected object (e.g. breath sensation)
• Detecting mind wandering and distractors (e.g. thoughts)
• Disengagement of attention from distractors and shifting of attention back to the selected object
• Cognitive reappraisal of distractor (e.g. ‘just a thought’, ‘it is okay to be distracted’)

Open Monitoring:
• No explicit focus on objects
• Nonreactive meta-cognitive monitoring (e.g. for novices, labeling of experience)
• Nonreactive awareness of automatic cognitive and emotional interpretations of sensory, perceptual and endogenous stimuli"

        Lutz A, Slagter HA, Dunne JD, Davidson RJ. Attention regulation and monitoring in meditation. Trends Cogn Sci 2008; 12(4): 163-9.

Harvard University

 

#152 Do we take the time?

Leisure

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare?

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have not time to stand and stare.

William H. Davies, 1870-1940

Gretel - taking the time ...

#151 Cause & Effect - is it Proportionate?

     I'm repeatedly struck by how powerfully a minor event can impact some people. A small event, such as a minor physical injury, sometimes results in considerable pain, suffering and disability.

     The unusually large disparity between the cause and effect may not at all be apparent to the affected person. S/he may hope, or even demand, that the problem be quickly, physically eliminated by another.
     Yet this very cause : effect disparity on the physical plane, is a loud call to the affected to mindfully examen their own psychosocial and spiritual life - this is where the real problem and opportunity for healing is.

"Path With Heart" by Adam Scott Miller   http://www.energyartmovement.org/profiles/miller-adam-scott/

#150 My response IS my experience

     One summer, in my early 30's, I was at my in-laws' cottage for a highly anticipated week of fishing, canoeing and swimming. As it turned out, it rained constantly throughout my precious week's holiday. I was fuming mad and felt sorry for myself the whole time.

     Recently a large flock of crows moved into our neighborhood. I surprised myself in being only mildly aware of the sound of these creatures, first thing in the morning as well as in the evening. Hearing them has no negative connotations for me at all - because I LIKE crows, I accept them. I have no problem at all with this potentially aversive stimulus, while some of my neighbors are angry and frustrated.

     The weather, crows, economy, global politics, ... there are infinite numbers of things in our lives that we have little or no control over. BUT we can direct our attention and respond intelligently and appropriately. AND the quality of our lives depends on our own response FAR MORE than on any external circumstance.

     “what I learned was how to embrace and how to let go. This is the secret to life …”
        Haubner J. Where is the true place? Shambhala Sun, May 2012. http://www.shambhalasun.com
 

Noah knows

#149 Guardedness, Approriateness, Compassion

Though this is a blog, readers' comments have been rare, likely due in part to the fact that the Comment section is NOT easy to see / access. So, I'd like to share a recent comment re post #143 "Wound of the heart - part 1":

Comment:

"I can relate to this guardedness particularly when under stress and it is related to my experiences in my family of origin. I would like to know how to transform that guardedness to openness?"

My Response:

"As you imply, this guardedness is entirely healthy & appropriate, based on all your previous experiences. As an adult, you start to see that responding to life with an open heart is a more appropriate, healthier way to live. Nevertheless, the guardedness comes up automatically. Awareness of how you respond, of how you & others feel as a result, and compassionate understanding for yourself & others, very gradually but surely diminishes your reactivity / guardedness. In the process, you develop deep insight into others' behavior - since they too all had imperfect parents / childhoods and so are also guarded & reactive. "Awareness itself heals" is a potent motto to remember, realizing that awareness involves the mind-heart ie includes compassion for self & others."

#148 Embracing and letting go

     “what I learned was how to embrace and how to let go. This is the secret to life …”  
        Haubner J. Where is the true place? Shambhala Sun, May 2012. http://www.shambhalasun.com

     “Individual reactions to trauma vary greatly. Although a surprisingly large percentage of individuals are relatively unaffected by traumatic events, some individuals experience significant negative or positive trauma consequences. Still others experience a myriad of both negative and positive consequences. This has led to a growing interest in the relationship between positive and negative trauma outcomes and theories that such positive consequences can exist independently of and simultaneous to negative outcomes. Posttraumatic growth (PTG), one such positive outcome, is characterized as growth beyond recovery directly resulting from a traumatic experience. PTG is characterized as increased personal strength, renewed meaning and life perceptions, and improved personal relationships.” 
        Schuettler D, Boals A. The path to posttraumatic growth versus posttraumatic stress disorder: Contributions of event centrality and coping. Journal of Loss and Trauma 2011; 16(2): 180-194. 

#147 Connecting deeply

     “In that tender place of rawness that uninvited change can uncover there is space for something marvelous – a deep and genuine connection with all beings, including ourselves.” 

       Smookler E. Blindsided. Shambhala Sun, May 2012. http://www.shambhalasun.com

Toronto Pride Parade, July 1, 2012

#146 Time to re-engage

     “the hidden history of the West … can be described as a series of stages by which we obscured the worldly wonders that people in the Homeric Age saw everywhere … To understand this hidden history is to see that this type of engagement with the world is still available to us. It has been marginalized in our culture, to be sure, but it stands ready to be cultivated and revivified.”

        Dreyfus H, Kelly SD. All things shining. Reading Western classics to find meaning in a secular age. Free Press, NY, 2011.

Helen Keller quote outside the Big Carrot in Toronto

#145 Wound of the heart - part 3

         "This leaves us in a strange and painful dilemma. On one hand we hunger for love – we cannot help that. Yet at the same time, we also deflect it and refuse to fully open to it because we don’t trust in it.

         This whole pattern – not knowing we’re loved as we are, then numbing our heart to ward off this pain, thereby shutting down the pathways through which love can flow into and through us – is the wound of the heart. Although this love-wound grows out of childhood conditioning, it becomes in time a much larger spiritual problem – a disconnection from the loving openness that is our very nature.

         This universal human wound shows up in the body as emptiness, anxiety, trauma, or depression, and in relationships as the mood of unlove, with its attendant insecurity, guardedness, mistrust, and resentment. And all relationship problems follow from there.”

     Welwood J. Perfect love, imperfect relationships. Healing the wound of the heart. Trumpeter, Boston, 2006.

Photo: Helena Oswald   http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/your-shot/weekly-wrapper