#613 Nothing Personal

     We tend to "take it personally" when people treat us in uncaring, nasty, or cruel ways. I've felt this many, many times in my life. Yet, the fact is that I play an insignificantly tiny part in most of these people's lives. How they behave, has little to do with me, and almost everything to do with the rest of their lives, past and present. So taking their behavior personally is actually a bit egocentric. The world does not revolve around me. Things happen for innumerable, complex, interrelated reasons, of which I'm a very tiny part. 

     So what should I concentrate on if not my feelings, my comfort, my wishes, my needs, my security, my convenience, my ...?

     "Be kind, for everyone is carrying a heavy load."

#567 Wise Advice Needs Personal Testing

     "take the counsel of the wise. We would be foolish to overlook their immeasurable knowledge and skills. But ... (we should) test the teachings in the fire of our own lives. Listen to them, weigh them, and investigate them. It is for each of us to understand 'why do I suffer so much?' 'how do I relate to the world around me?' or 'what brings joy to life?'"

       Larry Rosenberg. Three Steps to Awakening. A Practice for Bringing Mindfulness to Life. Shambhala, Boston, 2013.

 

#248 Process Transforms Doing into Being - It's the Singer, not the Song ...

     It's very interesting listening to someone giving their perspective of events in which you were both involved, particularly when they deliver it as an absolute statement of fact, instead of their unique impression. We tend to cling to certainty and tend to be averse to uncertainty & ambiguity. Yet nothing is solid & unchanging, not even our memories of the past - even that changes constantly.
     Perhaps fear of aging partially explains why people tend to be intolerant of ambiguity, and pretend to be certain about uncertain things. Ambiguity tolerance should, unless we fight it, arise naturally as we age. It takes a great deal of patience, tolerance & endurance to put up with life's litany of embarrassments. One has to learn to enjoy the process of working with imperfection, including one's own. Quickly & ethically obtaining a great result is a very unlikely prospect. Focusing on the process however is entirely different.
     People slowly, mindfully working on a meaningful product or service are themselves transformed by the process itself. We each individually reduce suffering and create joy by the actual quality we bring to life, moment-by-moment. WE INDIVIDUALLY provide what we all need. Nobody else can do it. WE ARE RESPONSIBLE. WE can and must rise to the occasion.

See also: http://healthyhealers.blogspot.ca/2012/12/everyones-doing-their-best-under.html

#88 Avoidance-Approach Dichotomy

     “We are a creative process in action; change is inevitable, as is our responsibility for our growth. The opposite of responsibility is avoidance, which apathy and fear often engender. Perhaps more than any single attitude, our unwillingness to notice the inner significances of our lives and to understand and care about another serves as the portent of stagnation of person and society.”

     Hart T. From information to transformation. Education for the evolution of consciousness. Peter Lang Publishing, NY, 2009.

     “Experiential avoidance occurs when an individual engages in strategies to blunt, alter, or control distressing private experiences, such as thoughts, emotions, and physiological sensations.”

     Hayes SC et al. “Experiential avoidance and behavioral disorders: A functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment.” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1996; 64(6): 1152-1168.

     “… we compound our suffering by trying to avoid it. The anxious person is particularly determined to avoid the discomfort of fear. A feared stimulus can be external, such as snakes (simple phobia), a mall (agoraphobia), or office parties (social phobia); or it can be internal, such as a racing heart (panic disorder) or blasphemous thinking (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Most anxious patients recognize that their fear is irrational, but recognition is not sufficient to alter avoidant or escape behavior during periods of heightened arousal.

     Mindfulness is a technology for gradually turning the patient’s attention toward the fear as it is happening, exploring it in detail with increasing degrees of friendly acceptance.” 
     Germer CK, Siegel RD, Fulton PR eds. “Mindfulness and Psychotherapy.” The Guilford Press, NY, 2005.