#533 How to Keep from Becoming Frustrated? - Part 2

     As we continue to practice mindfulness, we become able to see our thought patterns more & more clearly and objectively. We start monitoring our thoughts, emotions, speech & behavior AND the consequences of each of these.
     What precisely does my prolonged feeling of these (below) accomplish?: 
          • down, angry, hopeless, revengeful, righteous, etc about "my world's situation"
          • guilt for not saving "my world"
          • revengeful over the injustices suffered by "my ancestors"
          • anger & hatred towards "the enemies of my people"
          • anger & hatred towards "my enemies"
          • judgmental & hatred towards those who don't live up to "my standards"

     What proportion of our FINITE energy & lifetime do the above dysfunctional habits of mind bleed out of us? Being "frustrated" is a massive waste of time & energy. For some, it's a huge part of their cultural identity to wallow in such emotional swamps. Some of these unfortunates inevitably act out, causing wide-scale suffering - and what good comes of these?
     Being frustrated, indignant, angry, revengeful, etc is useless dysfunctional posturing. Life's short & precious - HELP REDUCE SUFFERING & INCREASE JOY - for yourself & others. Positive change must & CAN start within each one of us.

Halifax, Nova Scotia, May 3, 2014

#320 Self-centered Judgments breed Fear, Guilt & Shame

     “Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way that did not require me to reveal what was going on inside of myself. When I encountered people or behaviors I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were ‘mean’ or ‘unreasonable.’ If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, ‘You idiot!’ When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways, or occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is ‘needy and dependent.’ But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is ‘aloof and insensitive.’ If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is ‘picky and compulsive.’ On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is ‘sloppy and disorganized.’

      It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because, when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame.

      We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs, not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values our of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.”

       Rosenberg MB. “Nonviolent communication. A language of life.” ed 2. Puddle Dancer Press, CA. 2003. 

Gevork Mosesi   www.dpreview.com