#741 Clear, Accurate, Unbiased Perception?

     “We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais Nin

     “Every one of us has a different set of unconscious beliefs and assumptions about how things are, and the thing is that they’re not real. They’re constructed. 
     But because they’re unconscious, we don’t realize their conditioned nature. So when we encounter situations, we don’t encounter them freshly. We encounter them through the veil of what in psychology is called implicit memory, which means I’m looking at you, and I think I’m seeing you, but actually what I’m seeing is all the memories of my past, memories that come from the beginning of my life. It’s a memory, but I think it’s really happening now. 
     In trauma theory, they make a big point about how a war veteran is having a flashback and thinks he’s back in Iraq, and responds according to how he did or should have responded in Iraq. And he doesn’t realize that this isn’t Iraq. But the thing is this happens to all of us, all of the time. We’re always responding to situations based on memory, and we think we’re talking to our mother, we think we’re talking to our father, we think we’re talking to some important impactful person in our life, but we don’t know that we think that. And we think the person that we’re talking to is the person we’re talking to, but we’re not. We’re talking to our memory. Our whole life is consisting of one flashback after another. We’re not here. We’re gone. 
     And there’s a fundamental social consensus of normalcy, so that we all kind of get by as human people. And then when one of us steps out of the normal range, then we become noticed, and then somebody says ‘Oh that person is having a trauma response,’ or ‘that person is in a trauma field’ or ‘that person’s implicit memory is activated.’ But the thing is it’s going on with all of us, all of the time. So we’re never responding to the situation at hand."

Reggie Ray - Journey of Embodiment - January 1, 2016

#438 Invalidating, Validation & Encouragement to Heal

     “Invalidating someone else is not merely disagreeing with something that the other person said. It is a process in which individuals communicate to another that the opinions & emotions of the target are invalid, irrational, selfish, uncaring, stupid, most likely insane, & wrong, wrong, wrong. Invalidators let it be known directly or indirectly that their target’s views & feelings do not count for anything to anybody at any time or in any way. In some families, the invalidation becomes extreme, leading to physical abuse & even murder. However, invalidation can also be accomplished by verbal manipulations that invalidate in ways both subtle & confusing.”
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201309/invalidation-in-families-what-are-the-hidden-aspects

     Invalidating is particularly damaging when inflicted by parents and other loved ones on the young. Even as adults, when we share something deeply meaningful & traumatic with a close friend, we need a fellow human being to hear us deeply, to be with us, to resonate with our feelings, to validate our humanity.
     Perhaps worse than being invalidated, one could end up in a dysfunctional support group. Here the strong common bond is a shared type of suffering. One's identity as a sufferer becomes, not just validated, but solidly established "reified." Group-think rejects significant improvement. One's identity & sense of belonging to cult-like groups depends on remaining essentially the same - not healing. (Healthy support groups actively promote wellness & healing.)
     The extreme opposite response will likely come from a meditation teacher, who might respond to our story with the question "WHO is suffering?" This may initially sound callous, puzzling, or weird. However, as we keep practicing - perhaps for many more years - the light might go on, and we suddenly "get it." We are being asked to carefully, critically examine our identity. Is identification with suffering valid? Am I pain - or - do I happen to have pain? There is a critical difference - suffering is inherent in the first, optional / minimal in the second. Furthermore, am I solid & unchanging? Is anything, including pain or suffering, solid, unchanging? See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2016/05/722-suffering-our-sense-of-self.html
     Of course there are many possible skillful means between the 3 extremes above: several mindfulness-based therapies eg MBCT, solution-focused therapy, motivational interviewing, internal family systems, and hundreds of other specific therapies - which some of us do need & would greatly benefit from.

      Suffering does NOT have to be our final miserable lot in life. Someone who encourages us to keep practicing is providing a great service (no matter how we may react to it at the time). See: http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2013/11/436-readiness-for-change-is-pivotal.html

Bindia Gupta   www.dpreview.com