#290 Self-Esteem, Narcissism, Self-Compassion

     "Self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth - a judgment - 'Am I a good person or am I a bad person?' For many years psychologists saw self-esteem as the ultimate marker of psychological health. ... In American culture, to have high self-esteem, we have to feel special and above average. ... (in our culture) it's not OK to be average - it's considered an insult to be 'average'. So what's the problem if all of us have to be above average all at the same time? It's a logical impossibility.
     So if we all have to feel above average, we start playing games - start subtly to puff ourselves up, and to put others down, so we can feel better about ourselves in comparison. Some people take this to an extreme - there's an epidemic of narcissism** in this culture. They've been tracking the narcissism level of college undergraduates for the past 25 years, and they're at the highest levels ever recorded. A lot of psychologist believe that this is due to the self-esteem movement in the schools." Bullying and prejudice are common dysfunctional attempts at building a sense of self-esteem. ... 
     "Another problem with self-esteem is that it's contingent upon success. We only feel good when we succeed in those domains of life that are important to us. But what happens when we fail? What happens when we don't meet our ideal standards? We feel lousy, we feel terrible about ourselves." ... Girls' self-esteem, based primarily on how attractive they feel, starts to nosedive as early as grade three!
     "So how can we get off this treadmill, this constant need to be better than others so we can feel good about ourselves? That's where self-compassion comes in. Self-compassion is not a way of judging ourselves positively. Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all." Kristin Neff PhD, from her excellent Tedx talk below
    
** Narcissism "Traits & signs:

• An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
• Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
• A lack of psychological awareness
• Difficulty with empathy
• Problems distinguishing the self from others
• Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
• Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
• Haughty body language
• Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them
• Detesting those who do not admire them
• Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
• Pretending to be more important than they really are
• Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
• Claiming to be an 'expert' at many things
• Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
• Denial of remorse and gratitude."         http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism